Here's the thing:I'm formulating these words on a night shift, and publishing later from home. If I still feel grumpy enough. Which I probably will.
What it comes down to, in this occasional blog of mine, is the feeling that one must never underestimate a small percentage of the travelling public's ability to be a liability to themselves and anybody within a 100 yard radius. You may have surmised from this statement that I work for the much maligned London Underground- in which case give yourself a cigar (but please don't smoke it down here).
So- I work for London Underground. Don't judge me. You don't really know me.
Besides, if you're reading this, you most likely have impeccable taste and are pretty well bound to be a decent sort.
Take for instance the other night, when I had occasion to hit the pre-recorded 'Flash photography is not allowed…' button five times, then make a live announcement, then actually leave the office to berate the person/s responsible, as none of the above prevented the aforesaid miscreants from carrying out their image gathering activities.
When I told the person chiefly (un)concerned that flash photography is not allowed on the Underground, they aked 'Why?' in their best three year old voice.
'Because it's not allowed.'
'Whyyyyy…..???' Came the response.
'Just DON'T DO IT!' I replied, and stormed back into my office.
In an attempt to be fair, I will give the person involved a little clue as to why flash photography is not allowed.
We have big moving things (that's physically moving, not emotionally so) called trains, which are driven by human beings (AKA 'Train Operators').Human beings (AKA Train Operators), in the general course of things, have eyes. These tend to interact in various ways with light.
To understand the possible effect of your actions, go out for a drive, and take a full facial flash picture of yourself as you do*, remembering not to blink as you do so.You may find this less than conducive to road safety. You may feel an instinctive urge to hit the brake as you have just temporarily blinded yourself.
If a Train Operator instinctively hits the brake because they are temporarily unable to see their correct stopping mark- remember, going through signals at red is not only frowned on, it's downright dangerous- the potential for injury is vast. Thanks to your narcissistic tendencies.
You are not alone in your foolhardiness though.In my time working for the Underground I've personally encountered (apart from the pretty much blameless people listed here, such as four Person Under Train scenarios, people having fits, an elderly gentleman having an angina attack, people passing out through heat or medical conditions, someone twisting their ankle, someone gashing their shins and passing out as a result, assisting the victim of a sex crime, a tenant having been attacked with a baseball bat, victims of pickpocketing and dozens of people leaving their wallets / mobile phones / laptops on the train etc) the following:
People sitting with their legs dangling over the edge of the platform, with the next train a minute away.
A parent dragging their child along a crowded platform on their 'wheelie heels', presumably for fun.
People skateboarding on the platform.
People kicking a football to each other on the platform.
People walking across the track to get to the opposite platform.
People riding bikes along the platform.
Kids riding scooters along the platforms accompanied by their parents.
A parent who didn't like being advised that her two young children would be better not to sit unsteadily on their bikes on the platform, but rather stand beside them, holding them- for their own safety (i.e. not dying by falling onto the track.
People who suddenly shove their partner / friend towards, and subsequently grab their partner back from, the platform edge as the train comes in- presumably (again) for fun. Variations include lifting their partner bodily and making out they're going to drop them onto the track in front of the train. Oh ha ha. My ribs.
People who think it's funny to suddenly put their hand out in front of the train as it reaches them on the platform.
A person defiantly smoking on a train, because of whom someone else pulls the Passenger Emergency Alarm.
Parents letting their kids hang upside down from the safety rails / straps on trains.
Parents letting their kids pull the Passenger Emergency Alarm on the train.
People walking through moving trains via the interconnecting doors. Yes- it IS dangerous. Grow up and stop doing it- unless your life is in danger.
People too drunk to get home of their own volition because they can't handle their drink- including a fifteen year old girl, and a posh Surbitonite who told me to 'Fuck off'. Who the police later took away.
People abusing Station Staff for no other reason than that their life obviously sucks and they have no friends and it's everybody else's fault but their own.
People urinating in public areas on Stations. Even those with available toilet facilities. A girl urinating on a platform bench / in a Station bicycle area / in the mid circulating area of Baker Street Station / in an underpass, at a bus stop etc.
People vomiting on platforms.
A girl exposing her breasts.
A man exposing.. himself.
People falling down stairs drunk and injuring themselves.
People having rushed out with no breakfast, who then promptly faint on packed trains during the morning peak.
People falling onto the tracks drunk. And surviving.
People being racist.
People being abusive.
Fist fights.
Hair pulling name calling face scratching loud screaming floor rolling head rocking 'You don't even KNOW my sister' mocking schoolgirl fights.
Assaults both physical and verbal on Station Staff.
'Druggie' behaviour- you know- 'You'll die in a rain of fire.' kind of crap.
Wino behaviour- you know, like punching a female member of staff.
Beer being poured over staff members.
Fellow members of Staff being deeply upset by the effects of terrorism.
Somebody operating the Passenger Emergency Alarm on a train because they'd left their unconcerned adult friend behind on the platform.
Colleagues passing away.
Parents letting their young children stand on the seats of moving trains.
People putting their empty drinks bottle down on the stairs down to the platform.
People sitting / laying in the middle of busy sets of stairs.
A woman getting upset with Staff because she'd given her Oystercard to her three year old to play with, who'd promptly 'posted it' irretrievably into an immovable piece of equipment.
People dropping slippery sandwich fillings, liquids, broken glass etc. etc. onto the platform and walking off without moving it out of harm's way or reporting it.
Someone coughing in my face without putting their hand in front of their mouth.
Dealing with unattended items on platforms and trains- and evacuating Stations.
Kids throwing stones at moving trains, shattering windows.
People standing the wrong side of the yellow line as the train approaches.
People pushing in front of other people to get on a near empty train.
People not stepping aside to let other people get off the train.
People eating vomitously smelly food on trains.
People leaning out over the track as the train approaches.
Graffitti 'artists'.
People doubling through ticket gates.
People jumping over ticket gates.
People crawling through the luggage gate straps.
People with crappy music playing out over their crappy mobile phones. Or through tinny earphones.
People allowing their dog to crap on the platform.
A toy train left by a child- on an out of town section of track.
People who upon my answering of their question say; 'Wouldn't it be better to do such and such?', the answer to which will always be 'yes', even if they will subsequently be going the wrong way. For a very long time.
Torrents of bad language.
Threats.
Spitting.
Littering.
Gum on seats.
The witless. The self important. The humourless. The aggressive. The arrogant. The vague. The misguided. The thoughtless. The careless. The gormless. The pointless. The soulless. The downright rude.
The woman who failed her suicide attempt.
The headless body of the man who didn't.
The distraught Train Operators...
But it's not all doom and gloom. I get to go home sometimes.
And there are a lot perfectly decent folk out there- some of whom actually make going to work a pleasure.
*For purposes of illustrating a point only. Do not really do this. I mean it
